Blackjack

Your hand was a full house when all I had was a flush of spades with an ace
that I hoped would be my saving grace in this never ending game you constantly put
on hold for your enjoyment and for my torment. You
dealt me a handful of jokers when all the while the only joke was you.
That poker face showed
that this fifty-two card pick up wasn’t thought through
and I wondered time and time again of what could’ve been and if you only knew.
I folded those thoughts and tucked them away
as I turned the game and made it my own. I twirled
my skirt and found myself picking up the pieces of a new pattern,
a lifestyle that only had one suit,
one focus,
one truth
that fit. That among
the diamonds that cut my vulnerability to the core I will remain
as the queen of hearts with no bluff, no clubs, or bullshit. I will remain
and continue to watch the stakes rise until someone is brave enough to say,
“I’m all in.
Stay.”
But even then My heart will remain
to be treated like a queen by none other than yours truly as I double down on
the courage to love
yesterday,
today,
and our future in the shuffle.

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Blackjack

That’s That.

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I have more love in a day than you ever will in a lifetime.
I feel sorry for you.
You’re missing out on why we were put here in the first place.
To love.
It’s no wonder you’re scared of death.
I would be too if I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose while I still get to.
I get to love.
And I feel sorry for you.

 

That’s That.

Oh, darling

I laugh so hard to where I snort sometimes.
I try to flirt, but it comes out awkward.
I like to list fun memories so that I can read back on them when I need a good laugh.
I listen to Ryan’s Roses on Mondays and Thursdays.
I know it’s fake.
I give others the benefit of the doubt even though sometimes it results in being taken advantage of.
I can get lost in a good book.
I love kids, but I’m terrified of parenthood.
I like cheesy romance even though I play it off as if it doesn’t phase me.
I speak FRIENDS and can’t wait to find my lobster (do the claw thing again).
I don’t know the lyrics to many songs, but I can hum a great tune.
I will buy a four dollar churro at Disneyland.
I hate theme park water.
I do better with deep conversations than the surface level small talk.
I always need a cup of water after eating ice cream.
I make a big deal about my birthday because it’s a good reason for anything like a bonfire or karaoke.
I am loved more than I’ll ever know.
I love fearlessly. It’s who I am.
Oh, darling, what you see is what you get.
How will you ever keep up with me?

Cheers.

Oh, darling

Myself in Mind

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Something caught me off guard today.
A smile crept across my face.
It surprised me because it’s the kind of smile that’s usually caused by
a bouquet of lilies,
a kiss on the cheek,
or a text message that said, “Thinking of you.”
The best part? It wasn’t because of you
Or anyone else for that matter.
The even better part?
I’m still smiling.
“When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.” – Brene Brown
Myself in Mind

Awake in the Mourning

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
And let it go when we can.
The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
– Grey’s Anatomy

This is one of my favorite quotes because it continues to speak my truth and my experience.
When I didn’t know what to do,
where to start,
or how to overcome
I was told to breathe,
to keep breathing,
and that the best part is that I don’t have to think to breathe.
My body will just do it.
It’s a step.
A baby step,
but a step of many nonetheless.
So for those who are experiencing a sense of loss or change

Breathe.
Keep breathing.
It’s a step.
The rest will follow.

Awake in the Mourning