A truthful lie

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I get into these funks
and I know that it’s normal
to go through these moments
but why on earth do they have to come
when I’m in the midst of peace

It’s because a woman’s entire self-worth rests on her looks. That’s why. It’s because we live in a beauty-obsessed society where the most important thing a woman can do is make herself attractive to men.
– Liane Moriarty, Big Little Lies

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A truthful lie

Now let’s see

.2018.
There were many moments I
smiled,
laughed,
cried,
screamed,
shut down,
missed,
loved,
cherished,
and appreciated.
Value was present in each of those experiences
even the ones I was never taught to face
and through some of those times
my flaws surfaced,
but my mindset and self-love surpassed them all.
I’m learning how to celebrate every bit of happiness I deserve.
It’s a journey.
It’s never ending
and I am thankful for that.
It’s been my happiest year yet.

Now let’s see

The Current

I was supposed to be getting ready for school.
I was in kindergarten.
It was dark.
Our windows were decorated with tape.
It looked like huge snowflakes.
My mom was watching the news and told me that I wasn’t going to school that day.
It was the day hurricane Iniki hit Kaua’i.

Hurricane Lane took over the talk of the town this week
from category to category,
stalking up on water and spam,
taping slippers to the ground,
and tracking its path.
During times like these people often say,
“prepare for the worst and hope for the best.”
The unsung notes of that phrase is
the weight of waiting,
the anticipation for it to come and pass
and to force yourself to pause
like the eye of the storm.

So the next time something else in life
causes you to prepare for the worst
and hope for the best
remember the importance
and value
of waiting
while being kind to your soul
and living wholeheartedly through it all.
Hopefully that next time won’t be another hurricane in the season.

The Current

It’s not much.

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Valley of the Temple | Photo Credit: M.M.
“Hi, mama, I miss you. I miss you every day.”

That’s all I could bring myself to say whenever I get to visit her before I break into tears.

It’s been six years and the grieving hasn’t stopped.
It never will.
It’s a part of me,
but it doesn’t paralyze me anymore.

Year after year I thought I read enough books about grief and studied the five stages in hopes of managing my emotions down to a science.

It was helpful in some ways in terms of gaining knowledge and self-awareness, however,
I noticed that I burdened myself with so many tangible steps of how to move forward.
My thoughts ran back and forth like this,
“I should go out so I can feel happy and celebrate life because life is too short.
But all I want to do is lay here and cry, but I can’t allow myself to do that because that means I’ve failed back into this rut that I worked so hard to get out of.
I should go out.
But I just don’t have the energy to do that right now.
But I should.”
I trapped myself into my own introverted game.
I made it harder on myself by that word should and the whispers and paces of others.

It took a while to block it out and it’s still a daily reminder to do so.

I learned that taking a day to deeply feel and cry from missing her doesn’t mean that I’ve crumbled back to step one.
It’s just another step
to feeling human and alive
knowing that I was loved by her
and she is still loved by all.

At times like this I noticed that what’s best for me is to keep the day simple for my own health and well-being:

  • Breathe.
  • Feel everything.
  • Be.
  • Keep breathing.
And with that the day rolls out to its perfect self.

How do you keep the day simple for you?

It’s not much.

You got this.

A year ago someone texted me the following quote:
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” -Maya Angelou
I remember reading this quote with so much hope and prayer.
I remember the amount of energy it took to break down and put myself back together again.
I remember embracing the process and those who held me in love near and far.
Now
I read this quote with gratitude and confidence
because I am living proof of the truth behind it all,
not for other people,
but for myself
time and time again.
I read this quote with hope and prayer to every woman who ever felt less than.
I encourage you
to reflect on your strength,
to remember how you are so worth loving,
and to celebrate your soul’s brave heights.
I encourage you to be your own living proof.
You got this.